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October 11 Little thingsWhy are little things so important and get noticed, when the big things are over looked and dismissed? October 10 ForgivenessWhy is it some people are so bad at forgiving others?
Is it because they don`t want to be forgiven themselves?
Or perhaps it is because they like to play the games of guilt?
Just wondering..... September 30 How Supermarkets can help us slimSome may have heard this before but, I going to share it with you anyway......
Wouldn`t it be good if when we went to our local supermarket we were given a spear when we walked in instead of a shopping trolley!
The supermarket would be filled with animals and we would have to catch them if we wanted a meal.
All that exercise chasing chickens, hunting cows and spearing our dinner would help us loose pounds!!
Of course there are those who only eat veg, they could be given a spade and have to dig up their own spuds....not as much work you may think...not so...they have to dodge our meat eaters spears!!!
September 28 VasectomyAdam was just going under the knife! Into the operating room burst his brother and sister-in-law with their newborn baby.
``Stop...Adam don`t do it!! `` said his brother Roger ``I want you to make me an uncle``
Adam said nothing.
``Please brother dont have the snip!!``
``I really want to be an uncle`` Roger pleaded.
Adam looked at his sister-in-law, shrugged and said
``Congratulations Roger you are holding Him!`` September 23 Bulls A husband and his wife go to an agricultural show one sunday afternoon.
They sit and watch as the bulls are being auctioned off.
`This is a fine specimen` says the auctioner to the crowd `he`s reproduced 60 times in the last year!`
The wife digs her man in the ribs and says` Bloody hell that`s 5 times a month, more than can be said for you`
The husband is a little annoyed but choses to ignore her.
`And this fine specimen has reproduced 120 times a year! ` says the auctioner moving on to the the second bull.
Again the wife digs her man in the ribs and exclaims `Bloody hell that`s 10 times a month, puts you to shame dear!`
Slightly embarrased and blooming annoyed the husband remains silent. Fuming that his manliness is being ridiculed in public by his wife.
`And finally this is the pick of the bunch` says the auctioner ` this outstanding specimen as reproduced 365 times this year!!`
The husband stands up, points his finger angrily at his wife and shouts at her, ` before you say one fecking word, ask him if it was with the same fat cow every time!!` Shaking that ass!!How the mind works:
Do not under any circumstances think of the tune that goes with this phrase.......and do not say the words that are missing!!!
I see you baby............. September 19 Simple SolutionsProblem 1.
Nhs is too expensive.
Solution. Close down hospitols and reduce services then everyone will get better!! and increase taxes
Problem 2.
Pensions are costing too much.
Solution: cut pensions then the pensioners will starve ! and increase taxes
Problem 3.
Illegal immigration
Solution: Legalise it! and increase taxes
Problem 4.
Crime is out of control
Solution: take police off of the streets, put them into cars and ban them from chasing criminals!! and increase taxes
Problem 5.
The economy is unstable
Solution: blame the yanks! and increase taxes
Problem 6.
Discipline in schools is poor
Solution; ban any punishments, blame the parents and increase taxes.
Problem 7.
Drug taking
Solution: reduce border controls, increase supply, even in prisons, and increase taxes.
Problem 8.
The people of the country are getting a little miffed.
Solution: ignore the peasants and increase taxes
Problem 9.
Armed forces are stretched to the limit
Solution: start another war with someone else and lie about it!!! then increase taxes.
Problem 10.
The peasants are drowning and house prices are stupid money.
Solution; reduce govt. housing stocks and build on flood planes and increase stamp duty.
Problem 11.
The peasants are really, really miffed now and are taking actions that they have been driven to take..
Solution; Blame the peasants for global warming, eating too much, not exercising enough, being bad role models for their children, being stupid and not understanding war, being greedy, being racists and then raise taxes, increase fuel prices, put up interest rates and blame the yanks!!
A Brilliant Plan!I have just come up with the perfect scam ever! If you promise not to tell a living soul then I will share it with you!! Sshhhh.
What you do is;
1) Get yourself a white transit van.
2) Paint an official looking logo on the sides like um.. deathtootherroadusers.co.uk
3) Drive it with no regard to any bugger else on the planet, cut drivers up, speed up, slow down, tailgate, swerve for no reason...you get the picture.
5) Then on the back of your van write ` Well driven? If not contact this number 123456789`
What the unsuspecting public dont realise is that the phone number is a premium rate number and when it is rung the very nice person who answers is going to get all your personal details and the call will cost you big bucks!! Brilliant eh??
P.S. If you cant stretch to a van get a motorbike then the police wont arrest you, what a bonus!! September 18 Soft top...wooden top! A woman pulled into her driveway in her brand new soft top porsche, bright red.
Her front door was open so in she went, a little quieter than normal. She could hear grunting noises coming from upstairs and went to investigate.
`You blurry basket` she screamed as she caught her husband in bed with the vicars wife. ` I can explain` he said rushing after his wife, as she fled down the stairs in temper and tears.
She fled to the kitchen and grabbed a carving knife. The husband ran into the kitchen, stood naked arms wide open trying to ` explain`. At this moment she cut off his still erect `thingy`, picked it up and jumped into the red porsche, speeding down the driveway out onto the road.
She was in such a rage and going so fast she failed to notice the patrol car that she had just overtaken!!!
The patrol car put on the blues and two`s and gave rapid chase.
The women realised she was being chased by the police and lobbed the `thingy` out of the car. It bounced on the road and hit the police car windscreen with an almighty thud.
`` BLOODY hell`` said the constable`` she`s going some sergant!!!``
``Never fecking mind that constable did you see the size of that fly`s fecking willy??? it`s cracked the fecking screen!!`` Get a motorbike!I`ve just heard on the news that the police will no longer chase criminals who escape on a motorbike because it is toooo dangerous!!!
This was announced on national tv and radio???????
Are they flamming stupid or mad or what?
Every criminal across our land will now be using 2 instead of 4 wheels to escape !!!
Why not buy all the little darlings a new motorbike each, then at least we know that they will be escaping on a road worthy bike and wont hurt themselves! Bless eh?
I can`t believe this country at times. My old grandad and his buddies died for our freedom and what do we do with it, trash it !!!! September 14 Asleep in church! Adam and John are a couple. They go to church regularly. Trouble is John often falls asleep in church during the sermons.
Adam speaks to the priest about this and he suggests that Adam poke John with a needle when he drifts off.
The next Sunday arrives and true to form John nods off just as the priest asks his congregation ` Who is our saviour?`
John screams out in pain `JESUS`
Everyone settles down after the outburst and the priest carrys on.
He then asks the congregation `And who is Jesus` father?`
John screams out again `God` and this time he is really angry having just been poked again!
After a short while everyone settles down and the priest continues with his sermon.
Once more John falls asleep just as the priest asks the congregation ` what did Eve say to Adam when she found out she was pregnant?`
`IF YOU COME FEKING NEAR ME AGAIN ADAM WITH THAT FEKING PRICK OF YOURS I SWEAR TO GOD I`M GONNA SNAP IT IN HALF AND RAM IT UP YOUR ARSE!` shouted John. September 13 A wise womanTwo cars crash head on. Both cars are a complete mess, but the drivers crawl out to safety. The man crawls out and notices the other driver is a beaitiful blonde, dressed to kill and is instantly struck by her beauty.
She notices he is just an ordinary bloke and says to him `O my God you are so handsome and we have both survived unhurt, I think it must have meant to be!` She flicks her hair and pouts `perhaps we are meant to be lovers?`
The man, thinking he has just got lucky says, stumbling his words ` yes I think so too`. He can not believe his luck!!
The woman says ` hey even this red wine in my bag survived the crash. Let`s toast our love. It is meant to be!`
The man can not believe how drop dead gorgous she is and swigs down half a bottle.
`Want some?` he says to her giving her the bottle.
She pushes it away and says ` no thanks I`ll wait for the police to turn up first!` September 11 Old OneWhy did Dr Spock have his head down the toilet?
He was looking at the Captains log. September 10 Warning For those of you who have not come accross this yet here is a warning for you!! Please pass this on to any vulnerable people that you know.
I was entering a well-known DIY store last weekend when I was asked by a strange looking chap in an orange pinnie
`` Do you want decking Sir? ``
Needless to say I got the first punch in and I am fortunately ok but, I would hate this to have happend to someone else who is less equipped to be able to deal with this kind of situation.
Please be aware. September 08 IgnoranceI really get annoyed about this.
You open a door for someone and they say nothing!
You let them in your lane on the motorway and they gesture nothing.
You politely move out of their way in a shopping mall and they say nothing.
They brush past you and say nothing.
How in God`s name are young people suppossed to learn if the majority of people around them are as ignorant as shit???
Surely we can all do a little better than this?? September 07 Observation testHave you ever noticed how much you don`t notice?
Have you ever noticed how much you should notice?
Have you ever really noticed anything at all?
Is there anything to notice?
Silence is heard above the noise and beneath it. September 05 Kev mate, one for you (& me as it goes) LOLWhy is spolling so god dam impotant?
I cant spoll to save my lafe sim deys.
Yut pople git so wicked oop aboot it.
If i woos a fhotographicer woot wood bee must impotent?
Mi fhoto skeels or mi spolling?
B will
nady September 04 Manners I`ve been out and about lately and have observed some appalling lack of manners. This is not a moan, merely an observation.
Frankly I have obsereved many teenagers with very good manners and many older people without any!!! Yet they are the first to moan about the state of the world today. My opinion is that manners cost nothing and a simple `thank you` or `please` makes our little part of civilization a far more pleasant place to be!
We try so hard to control things that are beyond us, yet fail to control things that are within our grasp!!! September 03 Vegie peopleSorry to all those peeps who don`t eat bacon rolls!....and thank you for your messages!
Got to admit I could not be a vegertarian, I could not think of anything worse than a saturday morning having a lettuce leaf roll instead of a bacon roll.
Still each to their own.
Infact I think i will have a bacon roll right now. LOL  |
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